My Sanctuary

    If there's one thing people should know about me during my first few years at college, it should be that I have had horrid luck with my past living situations. Whether it was freshman year and being lumped in with what was widely regarded as "The Worst Dorm on Campus" or my sophomore year living in a roach-infested drug den with a violent psychopath, it would be reductive to say that I've had a rough time with my "home life" in Tallahassee. However, even in the worst of situations, keeping a positive attitude has allowed me to make the most of what I can (so I wouldn't be completely miserable at home). Though it may have been hard in the moment, I look back on those first few years a little fondly, if only in a weird, messed-up kind of way. I learned a lot about myself and how to cope with all sorts of situations, ranging from pest infestations, loud noises, buildups of garbage piles, and more violence than I probably should've put up with.

    When it came to my freshman year dorm (Salley Hall), I had one amazing thing going for me: my roommate, Wade. Yes, the space was small, cramped, and spooky, but all of the issues I had with the dorm and our suitemates felt like they could be worked with because I had my best friend living with me, and I knew I wasn't alone in dealing with these issues. My suitemates, Linrod and Devonte, were like Yin and Yang: while Linrod was a quiet, introverted clean freak that seemingly refused to acknowledge the existence of anyone else in the dorm, Devonte was loud, obnoxious, and stunk of weed (which, in his own way, also seemed like a refusal to acknowledge that he lived with three other dudes). These two were definitely very strong personalities, neither of which seemed interested in being friends with us, so I'm grateful that I was sharing a bedroom with rather than anyone else. Having someone to confide in, relate with, and generally experience dorm life together is what I would say kept me sane and happy throughout the whole year, and there's no one I'd rather have done it with than Wade.

This is the best picture I have
of my side of the dorm...
Sorry Blake!

    The other thing to keep in mind with cramped dorms is that the vibe of the room is dictated entirely by what you choose to do with it (and your roommate). There are two purchases that made this dorm a cozy, safe place for us to crash comfortably at after long days of studying: The rack tower that stood between our beds, and the warm lamp that gave the dorm its comfy vibe (contrasted by the cold, clinical fluorescent lights that characterized pretty much every other dorm room I visited. These two things are what transformed this tiny ass bedroom into something that wasn't just space-efficient, but homey as well. I also thought that my "word wall" added character to my side of the room as an English major, displaying all of the kind letters and mementos I had received from friends and family before leaving to college. There were many problems with my first year at FSU, but they would all evaporate the moment I'd step into our little cramped oasis.

Thanks Aldo...

    The sophomore year apartment was... different. Due to a last-minute realization that we wouldn't be able to live in dorms, we scrambled to find a cheap apartment complex that was still accepting tenants and close enough to walk to campus from. After a 48 hour stressful research period, we signed a lease at University Village Oaks, which we would eventually realize is one of many different names for Hell. When we moved in, the previous tenants hadn't bothered vacating the apartment, meaning the entire apartment was filled with garbage, old décor, and rotting food (that had been waiting for months!). Swallowing some pride, we cleaned up the apartment the best we could and unpacked our stuff... but we'd soon find that the previous tenants had cursed us with more than just filth. Since they hadn't paid their utilities bill for months, the City of Tallahassee decided that we should be the ones to feel their wrath, and cut our water and electricity for a few days. Great start to the year!

    I don't want to reiterate one of the dozens of stories I could share about my former roommate, Aldo, since this post is focused more on the space of "home" rather than my roommate experiences. However, it is difficult to separate the "roommate" from the "room"— the people you live with are crucial in establishing how you feel and interact with the place. Due to the filth, noise, and overall lack of safety in the rest of the apartment (thanks Aldo), I ended up living out of my bedroom as if it were a single dorm room, rarely using the kitchen or living room, which sucks because it's a shame I felt so trapped and uncomfortable in my own home. Whether it was being roped into a missing persons investigation or having my door kicked down by a drunk guy in the middle of the night, I spent the entire year in a state of permanent tension, anxiety, and insecurity. And I think that my bedroom reflected that.

The trash bags on the windows
really add to the vibes...

In many ways, my room resembled my dorm from last year, sans Wade. Even though he was just down the hallway, it still felt a little isolated, after having lived with him being only feet away for a year. What cemented this feeling of isolation was all of the functionality that the room contained— it was my bedroom, sure, but now my desk and computer had been moved in due to the lack of a separate work area in the apartment. In addition, I also kept all of my food in a mini fridge and makeshift pantry right beside my desk, since the kitchen was usually rendered unusable from all of the roaches and dirty plates stacked everywhere (courtesy of Aldo). In short, though I was paying for an apartment, in reality I was just in another dorm room, which sucked. On the bright side, this terrible experience forced us to take initiative when finding an apartment for the next year, which is where I'm currently living very happily!

    The reclamation of a space goes beyond just putting your personal touch on a room— it is the exploration of the mind and soul and expelling that onto a blank canvas. I've never been one for painting or drawing, so I don't think visually. This was a sort of obstacle to overcome, as this was truly the first space where I was able to completely express myself. My first college room was cramped and shared, and my second college room was built for survival over enjoyment. Those were shelters, but this new apartment would be a sanctuary.

The early stages of the "art walls"

    Having said all of that, the way that my "will" manifested visually in my bedroom was a little odd. It retained certain aspects of previous living arrangements, like my desk and computer configuration, but what most notably changed were the walls. For months, I had been collecting artwork I would see online into a Google Doc which I would scroll through to feel inspired, with artwork ranging from TV/film posters, album covers, or fan art from games I liked. The idea struck: what if I made my room the physical incarnation of this Google Doc? So after a few trips to my local FedEx and a lot of cutting and pasting, I covered my walls with art that speaks to me and inspires me, even if it does look a little dorky. It's a room that is unapologetically me, containing a range of inspirations and interests. Maybe it sounds obvious to everyone who reads this, but as someone who never really expressed myself through decoration throughout my entire life, this was big for me.

Two of a kind!

    A particularly fun development with my current apartment is my now-infamous fascination with horse decorations. It all started when we were first looking for some stuff to cozy up the otherwise bare apartment: a rug, welcome mat, some pillows, etc. Then, as we walked down the bargain aisles of the home section in a Ross: Dress For Less, I saw something that spoke to me. A handsome, massive print of a horse staring right back at me. Wade sighed in relief the moment we saw it, because he know there'd be no stopping me from buying it. And ever since, the horse has become a staple attraction of our apartment.

    After a while of noticing that I was the only one who had decorated the main living space, I proposed an ultimatum for Wade: for every week that he doesn't add something to the common area, I would add a horse. (Spoiler Alert: this would go on until just before Spring Break). It was a fun challenge for me to find cool horse decorations at thrift stores, antique stores, or online. And now I'm the Horse Guy! For better or worse!! It is pretty sweet getting sent pictures of horses from friends now whenever they see horses out in the wild...

    All of this is to say: I'm happy where I am now! I don't plan on moving for at least another year, so I am fully investing my happiness in a place where I can feel safe, comfortable, and fulfilled. This has been a long journey, and I'm sure this will ultimately be a blip in the wider lens of places I've lived in throughout my life, but I'm satisfied that this will be a good blip among many bad ones. You never fully realize the importance of a happy home until you are thrust into several unhappy ones.